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1.
Two blondes walk into a building..... you'd think
at least one of them
would
have seen it.
2.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you
want to buy marijuana,
press
the hash key..."
3.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink
says, "Well, I can clearly see you're
nuts."
4.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find
any.
5.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 quid that he
couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too
high."
6.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him in.
7.
A man came round in hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted,
"Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you
can't,
I've cut your arms off".
8.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.
9.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They
lit a fire in the
craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and
heat
it.
10.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of
his van covered with
hundreds
and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing
out of his head. Doc
says
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12.
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass
of Home' "That sounds
like
Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not
unusual."
14.
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a
cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"How's that?" "Don't
you start."
15.
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
to me "Can you give
me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you
look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'
18.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are
Chinese. There are 5 people
in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mum or my Dad, or
my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its
Colin.
19.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"Your round. "The other
one
says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, and
the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and
let the other one off.
21.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me
on my driving today. They
left
a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that
was
nice.
22.
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've
hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there
anymore"
23.
England's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small
two-seater
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. English
search and rescue
workers
have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb
as
digging continues into the night'
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