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Redneck Etiquette
- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in
sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle
with the largest tires always has the right of
way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct
tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back
beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle,
especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all
your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should
never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to
change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is
a job that should be done in private using one's
OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming
work.
A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for
pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water
handy when using this method.
- Redneck Dining Out -
Remember to leave a generous tip for good
service. After all, their mobile home costs just
as much as yours.
- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . .
no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg,
have the decency to leave them alone for a few
minutes.
- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two
years ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a
bathroom wall, watertower, or an overpass, odds
are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Redneck Theater Etiquette -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to
a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no
matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only
cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure
suit with a cummerbundand a clean bowling shirt
can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if
they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before
shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in
someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to
church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in
the will, it's considered tacky to drive a
U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of
public toilets, especially if other people are
around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family
members.
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