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Things I Learned From Movies
1. If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St
Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets
that reach up to armpit level on a
woman but only waist level on the man lying
beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least
one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -
even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a
perfect hiding place. No one will
ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of
the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent
will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window
of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your
wallet as you take out a note -
just grab one at random and hand it over. It
will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump
of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every
morning, even though the husband and children
never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost
always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light
up a room the size of a football
stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better
chance of killing them all than 20
men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should
always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a mess of newspaper
cuttings - especially if any of their
family or friends has died in a strange boating
accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily
outnumbered in a fight involved
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently
to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their
predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation,
instead of facing the person you are
speaking to, it is customary to stand behind
them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed,
everything in your room will still
be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will
naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer
to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs
prefer to kill their arch-enemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses,
pulley systems, deadly gases,
lasers and man eating sharks that will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all
fathers forget their son's eighth
birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind
instruments and accordions - can
be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts
so you know exactly when they're going to go
off.
29. It is always possible to park directly
outside the building you are
visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he
has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the
street, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
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