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General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for
people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they
buy computers -- but imagine if
they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I
help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door,
and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition
slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws
current from your battery and turns
over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How
come I have to know all of
these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I
help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now
it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front
panel, with a needle, and
markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle
pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that
mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a
gasoline vendor, and purchase some
more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for
you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car!
Now you tell me that I have to
keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I
help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed
the accelerator pedal all the way
to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it
crashed -- and now it won't
start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you
misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the
latest version that doesn't crash
anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I
help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I
chose your car because it has
automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power
door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I
help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just
want to go places in my car!"
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