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RULES FOR COLLEGE ROOMMATES
1. If someone calls while you are on the phone,
do not answer the call waiting signals, after
all your conversation to your boyfriend's,
cousin's, sister's, ex-best friend's,
father-in-law's, stepson is probably too
important to be interrupted.
2. Of course there is no need to record any
messages on a piece of paper.
a. you would have to actually walk towards the
kitchen to get to the pad of paper which
requires that you write down a name and check
off a few boxes
b. but more importantly, all roommates have
mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell
the party on the phone that he/she will be
called back at the callee's first free moment,
the callee will telepathically be aware of this
3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and
abuse other roommates items until they are
destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one
(case example: the spatula).
4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes
wherever you please, certainly one of your
roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning
101 and will clean up after you. Just because
you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't
obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.
5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a
shower, be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your
roommates should be able and considerate enough
to drive to the nearest gas station to use the
toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40
minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate
leaves for work early and you have to take the
bus.
6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially
the lights on at all times--we are paying for
the apartment, and there is no need to conserve
energy--let other less important people do that.
7. If you need to use the phone late at night
and it is in your roommates room, be sure to
wake them up when you go to remove it. It's
important that they know you are going to make a
phone call to your dog!
8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you
are as rude as possible to whoever is calling so
that they won't call back and bother you
again--how dare they interrupt whatever it is
that you are not doing!
9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash--if
your roommate won't do it, just let the
apartment stink. You were not born a garbage
man, so why lower yourself to that level
especially when you are a princess?
10. If your roommate has a car and drives to
work, feel free to ride with her, but don't
bother to offer her any money for gas. This is
the 90's and gas is free for all Summer Interns.
11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as
possible on the bathroom sinks and in the
shower. Don't clean out your brush over the
trash can, of course your roommates want to look
at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime
they go to the bathroom.
12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that
may be moldy because it was buried behind all
the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator.
Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to
watch it develop through its stages.
13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in
the kitchen. Whether it be in your cabinet or
not, it is free for the taking. Even if its not
open, your roommates shop for the entire
apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your
roommate questions you about missing food,
pretend you know nothing about it--you can
always blame it on the cookie monster.
14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she
doesn't ask you to feed them when she leaves
town--then don't bother wasting your time
feeding them. They're only fish, and they
probably won't need to eat anyway.
15. If you feel like listening to some music and
you don't have a cd player or stereo, simply
remove your roommate's from her room. She won't
mind if you leave it, or any of her cd's, on the
floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should
you have to put it away??!!??
16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be
sure to leave it in your roommates pot in the
refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She
probably doesn't want to use her pot anyway.
17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken
legs and you feel like cooking for someone
else--you should definitely take your roommates
chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you
tell the dinner guest that it is your food.
18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one)
comes over and wants some spaghetti sauce and
you don't have any to give them, feel free to go
into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs.
They can always go to the grocery store and buy
some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell
them that you've given it away either until the
ever so friendly neigbor brings back a few drops
of it and thanks you for giving it to them.
19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you
to New York with her because she knows that you
have never been there, be sure to do the
following:
a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2
of you around the city
b. don't say thank you for anything and act as
bored as possible
c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get
back what a rotten time that you had
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